FINALLY? Yes finally, I will write about HER and why she’s so amazing; and why no one else deserves her (you’d definitely agree if you knew the type of men she liked - they really don’t deserve her). By the way, I wasn’t her type; in case you’re thinking that was slap in my own face. It wasn’t. At any rate, I’ve released the negativity and I won’t go into speaking negatively about what she likes because you’ll think she’s superficial and she isn’t really. Anyway...I digress.

This week marks the two year anniversary of the day I first laid eyes in this woman. For me, it was one of the few times I’ve gotten caught off guard. Before I became this pitiful sack of depression, I was actually a very outgoing, extremely confident and always needing to be sort of center of attention. So I rarely got caught off guard. On this day, however, I walked into a room and saw the most beautiful face on the planet.

​be right back

If there is a GOD in the heavens and all the things I learned in Catholic school/church are true...WHEN WILL the powers that be let THIS BE OVER FOR ME?? I’m fucking sick of feeling this pain. I’m sick of the emptiness of knowing that I got dumped. Tossed out like garbage. I hate not being able to live, think about other things, enjoy other people’s company. I hate knowing that I was nothing to someone who means so much to me. I’m crippled now; in my heart, and soul. It truly sucks that someone tells you they don’t want to be in a relationship, then leaves you to go find their “person” which we all know means for a relationship. I’m NOT using another person to rid myself of this pain. There is no new love for me. Period. I declare today and know that I will NEVER be in another relationship again as long as I live. And when people find this and read it; I don’t need pitty comments or “you’re an idiot” comments. I don’t want to hear it. It’s my life. Doesn’t matter that she’s going to move on (has rather) and give all of what should’ve been my love to another fucker. I don’t care about any of that. I’m done with relationships. I just want to stop thinking about HER. Just like she has with me. But getting over her isn’t in the cards for me it seems...

I wonder, now that she doesn’t text or talk to me on the phone; who she’s spending all that time with.

I wonder how a person in a long distance relationship can claim that they feel smothered.

I wonder, she’s a girl that self admittedly needs a lot of sex. Who is she getting that from now? The urge/need doesn’t go away.

I asked her last night to tell me my favorite color. I don’t really have a favorite color but if anyone ever asked me that silly question in life...I always answered RED. She says BLUE. I wasn’t really testing her; I really wanted to know if she knew. I’ve always felt that she never took an interest in who I am nor ever really cared to engage in conversation about me. I was the talker. She said nothing. It is amazing that after two years I’m realizing she never asked me anything about my life or self. It’s like she doesn’t care. How can two people be friends if one of them doesn’t even care to know the other? More importantly, why do I care so much about someone who doesn’t seem to return the interest?

I just do...

What’s BUZZ KILL?

In this case it’s me going off topic or sharing a random thought.

I wanted to share a story about going to a backyard party at one of my friends homes last night. As I mentioned; I will start blogging about THE GIRL, but I thought this was rather ironic.

I wasn’t going to go to this gathering because I am not a good person to hang out with right now. I’m rarely in the mood lately for socializing...I’m in a funk and well, it’s because I’ve been, obviously, in a bad place for the last month.

I get to tthe the party and there were several people there gathered in the backyard. I thought it was just going to be a handful of folks, but there were probably 30 people in attendance.

As I entered my friend who clearly had a lot to drink already and her boyfriend greet me and the following exchange took place:

Meg: Hey! Now the fun can begin!!!
Me: I can’t stay long (while hugging her and simultaneously giving her bf a fist bump)
Meg: Oh nonsense. You need to get your mind off of things. Come I want you to meet someone. You have a lot in common with her and she’s aswesome!! You guys both have flashy educations and live in that pish posh world. (Meg is the only person I’ve told I was going through this breakup...and you’ll soon see why)
Her BF: Meg. Give the man time to get his feet in the door before you start playing Cupid. He doesn’t need you to help him with the ladies.
Me: yea. Seriously. You’re going to make my night awkward? I don’t want to meet anyone. I’m not a great conversation at the moment. I should go.
Meg: come on. She’s totally cool. Not your typical Vegas girl. (Meanwhile we are walking further into the house and oddly this girl just happens to pop out of the powder room as we walk by)
​Meg:

—-be back —-this is a long story and I also have a Job. Hilarious how I provide updated like anyone is actually reading this.

Releasing negativity is very challenging when you’re hurt and somewhat angry!

I spent the better part of yesterday doing my best to get where she is with this breakup. I want to be unphased by it. I want to wake up and enjoy my days like the past two years never happened. I don’t know how to do it. I find it hard to not think about how much I enjoy being with her right now because it seems like everywhere I go there’s a song or a tv show or a movie trailer that is about two people in love. Sadly it make me sick to my stomach. I immediately turn the station or scroll through the timeline when I see things like that.

Because I broke my no communicate rule; we still text every other day or so but we don’t talk on the phone. This is what I was afraid of; things becoming weird between us. I had the opportunity to talk to her on the phone this morning and I chose to let the opportunity pass. She invited me to hear about her trip to another country this weekend “if I want to...she types. It’s NEVER because she wants to”, but I just stayed in text mode. The reason is; I don’t yet like the feeling of talking to her because I know my heart is still expecting her to want to give me another chance and when she treats me like a casual acquaintance, it is a huge let down and makes the rest of my day terrible. She’s so cold. And I know it’s not on purpose. It’s just because she doesn’t really have feelings for the situation other than being glad she’s no longer in it.

I know now it’s not her fault that she doesn’t love or care about me. I know she gave it a try (maybe not her best try but she tried in her own way). I wasted my chance to have the most amazing woman stay in my life and I accept that I had a huge part in it. I didn’t treat her always like I felt about her. I didn’t show her that I trusted her with my heart. I took a lot for granted and now it’s probably too late to get back what I had (if I ever truly had it).

At any rate— I can’t promise that there won’t be any more posts or comments that come across as negative but as of today I’m choosing to focus on the positives once I find one. 😀 Over the last couple of years I’ve lost a little of who I was when I met her. Some for the good and some for the bad. I need to get back to myself (the good stuff). I’m a happy person and being like this is fucked up. I’m not myself. I don’t like being down all the time.

Next week is the the second anniversary of the first time I laid eyes on this woman. The day my life changed and I decided immediately that this is the woman for me. And now knowing that she’s off to find another dude; these next several days are going to be rough for me.

I wish someone would find this blog. Though amateur, for certain; I’d still love feedback on my rambling about a girl...no...THE girl. My Boo Thang.

This ends the Releasing Negativity portion. The next category is called THE GIRL where I’ll tell all about this amazing woman and why I fell in love with her.

10:00AM

That didn't last long!  I text'd her this morning.  I hated the feeling of "permanent" I felt by telling her I needed no contact.  She was fine.  Living her life.  I was almost immobile. I'd rather have her in my life and feel miserable when it comes to knowing that she's moved on, than never speak to her again.

3:00AM

i an not sure I will make it through this day!!!

This will be my final unorganized; rambling of a post. All others will be organized and pull the story together in a non rambling way. So far I’ve written while seriously in my feels and that hasn’t been easy to follow I’m sure.

I put the final nail in my relationship coffin today. I’ve always known since she broke up with me that I would have to cut all communication with her in order to get over her. She’s too amazing of a woman for me to try to be friends with her when I’m still heavy in my feelings for her. Especially when she was over me in Day 0 of the breakup. Today I told her that the only way for me to move on was to cease contact with her. “She wins”. I can’t wait for her to give me closure or come back to me. Never going to happen. So I took the first step in trying to make life easier on me. Funny because I’m absolutely crushed and devastated and scared of not talking to her. I know tomorrow morning she won’t even remember me. I’m an after thought already. Not talking to her is supposed to help but I believe not talking to her only helps create more distance between us to where it’ll be weird to even have a five minute conversation. This will basically kill what little friendship we had. I do know it’ll be better than waiting for her to have a change of heart which I’ve hoped every single time we’ve spoken since our breakup.

Back to today:
i started a conversation today about why she didn’t respect me enough to tell me all the reasons she ended our relationship. She only told me one; but there are others. To me; if someone respects you, they will talk to you and be honest with you about anything. She tells me only part of the reason she ended it and not everything. It’s so unfair that someone could be selfish enough to not give a recent ex what they need to move on in a healthy fashion. Why are people like this to the person they claim to care about? More importantly; how does one stop caring about another overnight??

Now , I must find a way to move on by myself. I’m so glad I’m not mentally unstable because if I was I’d definitely put a bullet in my temple tonight and be done with this pain. I’ve had a great life up to now and I finally got to know what it was like to love someone unselfishly and whole heartedly. No wandering eyes or FOMO. She just didn’t love me back. This is the lowest point I’ve ever been in my life. I’m thinking about quitting my job this week (seriously); kissing my family and moving far, far away from American society (basically from her and the potential to run into her ever again). I don’t hate her. I love her. But I also will never stop wanting to be with her and for that reason I make the last statements. I looked it up. I have enough money to buy a private island. Why not? People leave their lives here in the states everyday and move to other countries for work. Rarely to return to America. I could do it too.

Im so hurt and angry right now. I have tons of work to do and I can’t even get out of bed to do it. FUCK!!!! Who the hell am I? Sitting around sulking over a girl? Not the Clark Miller I know. That guy should be out in a bar looking for some easy girl to do nasty things to me in a car. On the side of a residential street.

But not me...I don’t live that way. I live to be with my now ex. My boo thang! But she’s off to have our vacation that we planned; with another. And I’m the one sitting alone. Broken.

So fucking pathetic!!!!

Well. It’s been almost three weeks. I spent some time with friends. I still think about her every waking moment of the day. I traveled to one of the sexiest (opinion) cities in the south US; a place where anybody wanting to get someone out of their system could find the right “distraction” to help them forget. The city has tons of venues, it’s mysterious and people go there to have a good time....and still, I found myself sitting in a hotel room most of the time. Why? Because my heart and mind are still loyal to her. I can’t even fathom being with another. Nor did I consider it. Not even once. She’s my one.

Its dfunny because i heard a song today and it really stayed in my mind all day. I’m hesitant to post it because it’s an old song and one of the reasons she didn’t want to be with me was because of our 12 year age difference. She thought I was too old. At any rate; here it is: (more below)

In all fairness; and I’ll blog more about it this weekend; it wasn’t all her. She’s not a bad person at all. The fact is — that I wasn’t always a good boyfriend. I had my part in this break up also. She was honest up front that she didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. Somehow we ended up there and I guess I thought I had changed her heart. There were sooo many clues along the way that she wasn’t into me but so many more that told me she was. I clung to the good things. It, however, wasn’t enough. If I could only turn back the clock. I dream almost every night some scenario where she calls me and truly expresses with words that she misses me and realizes that we deserve each other. That she’s better with me than without me. That she wants me in her world. Unfortunately; I wake up and realize that she’s moved on. To someone that she believes is better for her than I.

Today shes in another country and for some reason not communicating with me at all. I’ve reached out with no response. This may be why I had that bad gut feeling last week.hope it isn’t really what I thought.

​Miss you boo thang. I told you to keep in mind that there’s someone here that misses and cares about you. I hope you haven’t given up.

These are for you. Remember?

I’ve been visiting friends this week. Whoever said that putting yourself in touch with friends and family after a breakup was the right thing to do is a masterful liar!! This hasn’t helped me at all. I miss her even more now that I’ve had 5 days discussing what’s really important in life with my friends. I realize that she IS the one that makes me happy. I haven’t moved any closer to getting over our relationship whatsoever.

​Of course she and I still talk almost everyday. We still call each other babe/baby. The only difference is that I can tell by our conversation that she is really wanting to move on from me. She’s cold towards me a little now; which is somewhat confusing based on our phone interaction overall with each other. I don’t push to stop the terms of endearment because I know that when I do...we probably will stop talking all together. And I’m not ready for that right now.

I’m having one of those bad gut feelings. I believe my gut is usually right. She’s off to a wedding. Yep. Newly single. Looking for a new life with a new man and will be at one of the biggest type of hookup events available to single people. It’s no secret people hookup at high rates at weddings. Nothing I can do about it; but it sucks. I can only hope that her days of random sex with nasty random people are over and there’s no guy there selling the right dream. Also hope her friends are playing match maker tonight.

last night she text me after hanging out with a girlfriend to let me know she was home safely alone. Wonder if I’ll get one tonight or a note of mild guilt tomorrow.

Ultimately, today was a good day!!

We spoke. It was a good conversation. I’ve realized that what’s going to be is going to be. She may not be done done. She just needs time. She didn’t say as much; this is my assessment.

Boo thang: I will be waiting for you if you ever change your mind. This is what I wanted to tell her but...too soon. Until then I will be the best friend to her that I’m capable of being. She’s my world regardless and that’s what real friends should be.

​—-

7:45AM
​36 hours with no communication. The pain is numbing. How does a person just drop you from their mind, thoughts and life so easily? How does she just stop thinking about me all together? I can't get out of bed.

Rough day! I didn’t call or text her. This is the first time in our relationship that we’ve gone 24 hours with no communication. I’m not sure why I’m writing this like it’s a realization. This is how it’s supposed to be, so I read. “They” say (whoever they are) that I’m supposed to focus on myself. Surround myself with friends and family. Get back out there on the horse. “Nothing helps get over an old love like a new one!”. Bullshit I say! What if I don’t want a new love? Actually, I don’t. I want this one. The one that got away.

It’s funny. I find it hard to look at our pictures or even a picture of her alone. It just reminds me of the feeling of rejection. That feeling that’s fucking piercing my soul right now. I miss her smile, her laugh, her voice. Even though when we talk now, I get this tone from her that screams “WE CAN ONLY BE FREINDS!”, I’d still rather talk to her and feel the pain than not talk to her at all.

The old Gladys Knight (spelling) song just went off - Leaving On That Midnight Train to Georgia. The song goes - “I’d rather live in her world, than live without her in mine”. This screams how I’m feeling right now. I could make any sort of relationship work, though being just friends would require me to fully step away and move on to try to suppress (because I’ll never lose these feelings for her) my feelings enough to be just a friend.

I keep wondering to myself, what is not good enough about me? What can’t I give her that some other guy can? It sounds crazy, but if she could tell me that, I could, as hurtful as it would be...at least have something to accept. I know what I’ve done in this relationship to push her away. I own it and I have done everything I could to change her perception. Perception is a motherfucker. It never goes away. It’s hard to overcome and/or change, but it is possible. I just need more time. Something I may never get. I may have to deal with the reality that she wants to move on to someone else or a bigger better relationship. Not may! Will. Life certainly sucks sometimes. I do not believe that I will ver meet someone who makes me feel the way she does about life. I wish I did a better job of showing her that.

Men don't talk about feelings! Right? Men don't acknowledge feeling pain or the emptiness that most people feel after a break up. Right?

Well fuck all of that. I'm definitely alpha male and I don't really care what society says about how/what I should feel and/or show about my feelings.

Truthfully, I'm feeling hurt, alone, angry, empty, not good enough and ashamed. Ashamed? but she broke up with you...ashamed of what? because I reached out to her by text. After the breakup! I just couldn't help myself. I know the rules. Leave her alone! She said and I quote " you believe we are meant to be together, I don't feel the same way. I thought feelings would grow stronger and I have been open to it"...."because I don't want to be in a relationship anymore". When someone tells you these things, it's very clear. The are never going to love you back. Save yourself and move on...right? Well I didn't. Like I mentioned in my last post, I need answers.

I might add that this is the most beautiful and amazing woman on the planet. I absolutely can't post a picture of her here.

Back to story:
After texting with her (and I promise I'll come back to fill in the details of this later). I didn't get any answers. I said a lot of reactionary statements that only led to mean things being said and not helping the situation whatsoever. She was very careful with words meaning that she did not want to tell me anything to give me false hope, letting me know...she's done. Me: I wanted to know if there was someone else. Why wouldn't there be? Aren't relationships like jobs? People get a new one before leaving the old one right? For whom is she leaving me? She hasn't responded yet. I suppose I'll have the answer by the next post.

I should not have sent those texts. What was I wanting? I was wanting her to tell me that she made a mistake, that she didn't mean it, that she changed her mind... she wasn't going to change.

August 4, 2018

Feeling miserable. 

Today she and I broke up.  There was no explanation no closure.  Just a flat out "I don't want to be in a relationship".  It was sort of out of nowhere.  There must be someone else.  Relationships are like jobs.  People don't leave one, until they have another to go to.

I need answers.