FINALLY? Yes finally, I will write about HER and why she’s so amazing; and why no one else deserves her (you’d definitely agree if you knew the type of men she liked - they really don’t deserve her). By the way, I wasn’t her type; in case you’re thinking that was slap in my own face. It wasn’t. At any rate, I’ve released the negativity and I won’t go into speaking negatively about what she likes because you’ll think she’s superficial and she isn’t really. Anyway...I digress.
This week marks the two year anniversary of the day I first laid eyes in this woman. For me, it was one of the few times I’ve gotten caught off guard. Before I became this pitiful sack of depression, I was actually a very outgoing, extremely confident and always needing to be sort of center of attention. So I rarely got caught off guard. On this day, however, I walked into a room and saw the most beautiful face on the planet.
be right back
If there is a GOD in the heavens and all the things I learned in Catholic school/church are true...WHEN WILL the powers that be let THIS BE OVER FOR ME?? I’m fucking sick of feeling this pain. I’m sick of the emptiness of knowing that I got dumped. Tossed out like garbage. I hate not being able to live, think about other things, enjoy other people’s company. I hate knowing that I was nothing to someone who means so much to me. I’m crippled now; in my heart, and soul. It truly sucks that someone tells you they don’t want to be in a relationship, then leaves you to go find their “person” which we all know means for a relationship. I’m NOT using another person to rid myself of this pain. There is no new love for me. Period. I declare today and know that I will NEVER be in another relationship again as long as I live. And when people find this and read it; I don’t need pitty comments or “you’re an idiot” comments. I don’t want to hear it. It’s my life. Doesn’t matter that she’s going to move on (has rather) and give all of what should’ve been my love to another fucker. I don’t care about any of that. I’m done with relationships. I just want to stop thinking about HER. Just like she has with me. But getting over her isn’t in the cards for me it seems...
I wonder, now that she doesn’t text or talk to me on the phone; who she’s spending all that time with.
I wonder how a person in a long distance relationship can claim that they feel smothered.
I wonder, she’s a girl that self admittedly needs a lot of sex. Who is she getting that from now? The urge/need doesn’t go away.
I asked her last night to tell me my favorite color. I don’t really have a favorite color but if anyone ever asked me that silly question in life...I always answered RED. She says BLUE. I wasn’t really testing her; I really wanted to know if she knew. I’ve always felt that she never took an interest in who I am nor ever really cared to engage in conversation about me. I was the talker. She said nothing. It is amazing that after two years I’m realizing she never asked me anything about my life or self. It’s like she doesn’t care. How can two people be friends if one of them doesn’t even care to know the other? More importantly, why do I care so much about someone who doesn’t seem to return the interest?
I just do...
What’s BUZZ KILL?
In this case it’s me going off topic or sharing a random thought.
I wanted to share a story about going to a backyard party at one of my friends homes last night. As I mentioned; I will start blogging about THE GIRL, but I thought this was rather ironic.
I wasn’t going to go to this gathering because I am not a good person to hang out with right now. I’m rarely in the mood lately for socializing...I’m in a funk and well, it’s because I’ve been, obviously, in a bad place for the last month.
I get to tthe the party and there were several people there gathered in the backyard. I thought it was just going to be a handful of folks, but there were probably 30 people in attendance.
As I entered my friend who clearly had a lot to drink already and her boyfriend greet me and the following exchange took place:
Meg: Hey! Now the fun can begin!!!
Me: I can’t stay long (while hugging her and simultaneously giving her bf a fist bump)
Meg: Oh nonsense. You need to get your mind off of things. Come I want you to meet someone. You have a lot in common with her and she’s aswesome!! You guys both have flashy educations and live in that pish posh world. (Meg is the only person I’ve told I was going through this breakup...and you’ll soon see why)
Her BF: Meg. Give the man time to get his feet in the door before you start playing Cupid. He doesn’t need you to help him with the ladies.
Me: yea. Seriously. You’re going to make my night awkward? I don’t want to meet anyone. I’m not a great conversation at the moment. I should go.
Meg: come on. She’s totally cool. Not your typical Vegas girl. (Meanwhile we are walking further into the house and oddly this girl just happens to pop out of the powder room as we walk by)
—-be back —-this is a long story and I also have a Job. Hilarious how I provide updated like anyone is actually reading this.
Releasing negativity is very challenging when you’re hurt and somewhat angry!
I spent the better part of yesterday doing my best to get where she is with this breakup. I want to be unphased by it. I want to wake up and enjoy my days like the past two years never happened. I don’t know how to do it. I find it hard to not think about how much I enjoy being with her right now because it seems like everywhere I go there’s a song or a tv show or a movie trailer that is about two people in love. Sadly it make me sick to my stomach. I immediately turn the station or scroll through the timeline when I see things like that.
Because I broke my no communicate rule; we still text every other day or so but we don’t talk on the phone. This is what I was afraid of; things becoming weird between us. I had the opportunity to talk to her on the phone this morning and I chose to let the opportunity pass. She invited me to hear about her trip to another country this weekend “if I want to...she types. It’s NEVER because she wants to”, but I just stayed in text mode. The reason is; I don’t yet like the feeling of talking to her because I know my heart is still expecting her to want to give me another chance and when she treats me like a casual acquaintance, it is a huge let down and makes the rest of my day terrible. She’s so cold. And I know it’s not on purpose. It’s just because she doesn’t really have feelings for the situation other than being glad she’s no longer in it.
I know now it’s not her fault that she doesn’t love or care about me. I know she gave it a try (maybe not her best try but she tried in her own way). I wasted my chance to have the most amazing woman stay in my life and I accept that I had a huge part in it. I didn’t treat her always like I felt about her. I didn’t show her that I trusted her with my heart. I took a lot for granted and now it’s probably too late to get back what I had (if I ever truly had it).
At any rate— I can’t promise that there won’t be any more posts or comments that come across as negative but as of today I’m choosing to focus on the positives once I find one. 😀 Over the last couple of years I’ve lost a little of who I was when I met her. Some for the good and some for the bad. I need to get back to myself (the good stuff). I’m a happy person and being like this is fucked up. I’m not myself. I don’t like being down all the time.
Next week is the the second anniversary of the first time I laid eyes on this woman. The day my life changed and I decided immediately that this is the woman for me. And now knowing that she’s off to find another dude; these next several days are going to be rough for me.
I wish someone would find this blog. Though amateur, for certain; I’d still love feedback on my rambling about a girl...no...THE girl. My Boo Thang.
This ends the Releasing Negativity portion. The next category is called THE GIRL where I’ll tell all about this amazing woman and why I fell in love with her.