Releasing negativity is very challenging when you’re hurt and somewhat angry!
I spent the better part of yesterday doing my best to get where she is with this breakup. I want to be unphased by it. I want to wake up and enjoy my days like the past two years never happened. I don’t know how to do it. I find it hard to not think about how much I enjoy being with her right now because it seems like everywhere I go there’s a song or a tv show or a movie trailer that is about two people in love. Sadly it make me sick to my stomach. I immediately turn the station or scroll through the timeline when I see things like that.
Because I broke my no communicate rule; we still text every other day or so but we don’t talk on the phone. This is what I was afraid of; things becoming weird between us. I had the opportunity to talk to her on the phone this morning and I chose to let the opportunity pass. She invited me to hear about her trip to another country this weekend “if I want to...she types. It’s NEVER because she wants to”, but I just stayed in text mode. The reason is; I don’t yet like the feeling of talking to her because I know my heart is still expecting her to want to give me another chance and when she treats me like a casual acquaintance, it is a huge let down and makes the rest of my day terrible. She’s so cold. And I know it’s not on purpose. It’s just because she doesn’t really have feelings for the situation other than being glad she’s no longer in it.
I know now it’s not her fault that she doesn’t love or care about me. I know she gave it a try (maybe not her best try but she tried in her own way). I wasted my chance to have the most amazing woman stay in my life and I accept that I had a huge part in it. I didn’t treat her always like I felt about her. I didn’t show her that I trusted her with my heart. I took a lot for granted and now it’s probably too late to get back what I had (if I ever truly had it).
At any rate— I can’t promise that there won’t be any more posts or comments that come across as negative but as of today I’m choosing to focus on the positives once I find one. 😀 Over the last couple of years I’ve lost a little of who I was when I met her. Some for the good and some for the bad. I need to get back to myself (the good stuff). I’m a happy person and being like this is fucked up. I’m not myself. I don’t like being down all the time.
Next week is the the second anniversary of the first time I laid eyes on this woman. The day my life changed and I decided immediately that this is the woman for me. And now knowing that she’s off to find another dude; these next several days are going to be rough for me.
I wish someone would find this blog. Though amateur, for certain; I’d still love feedback on my rambling about a girl...no...THE girl. My Boo Thang.
This ends the Releasing Negativity portion. The next category is called THE GIRL where I’ll tell all about this amazing woman and why I fell in love with her.