This will be my final unorganized; rambling of a post. All others will be organized and pull the story together in a non rambling way. So far I’ve written while seriously in my feels and that hasn’t been easy to follow I’m sure.
I put the final nail in my relationship coffin today. I’ve always known since she broke up with me that I would have to cut all communication with her in order to get over her. She’s too amazing of a woman for me to try to be friends with her when I’m still heavy in my feelings for her. Especially when she was over me in Day 0 of the breakup. Today I told her that the only way for me to move on was to cease contact with her. “She wins”. I can’t wait for her to give me closure or come back to me. Never going to happen. So I took the first step in trying to make life easier on me. Funny because I’m absolutely crushed and devastated and scared of not talking to her. I know tomorrow morning she won’t even remember me. I’m an after thought already. Not talking to her is supposed to help but I believe not talking to her only helps create more distance between us to where it’ll be weird to even have a five minute conversation. This will basically kill what little friendship we had. I do know it’ll be better than waiting for her to have a change of heart which I’ve hoped every single time we’ve spoken since our breakup.
Back to today:
i started a conversation today about why she didn’t respect me enough to tell me all the reasons she ended our relationship. She only told me one; but there are others. To me; if someone respects you, they will talk to you and be honest with you about anything. She tells me only part of the reason she ended it and not everything. It’s so unfair that someone could be selfish enough to not give a recent ex what they need to move on in a healthy fashion. Why are people like this to the person they claim to care about? More importantly; how does one stop caring about another overnight??
Now , I must find a way to move on by myself. I’m so glad I’m not mentally unstable because if I was I’d definitely put a bullet in my temple tonight and be done with this pain. I’ve had a great life up to now and I finally got to know what it was like to love someone unselfishly and whole heartedly. No wandering eyes or FOMO. She just didn’t love me back. This is the lowest point I’ve ever been in my life. I’m thinking about quitting my job this week (seriously); kissing my family and moving far, far away from American society (basically from her and the potential to run into her ever again). I don’t hate her. I love her. But I also will never stop wanting to be with her and for that reason I make the last statements. I looked it up. I have enough money to buy a private island. Why not? People leave their lives here in the states everyday and move to other countries for work. Rarely to return to America. I could do it too.
Im so hurt and angry right now. I have tons of work to do and I can’t even get out of bed to do it. FUCK!!!! Who the hell am I? Sitting around sulking over a girl? Not the Clark Miller I know. That guy should be out in a bar looking for some easy girl to do nasty things to me in a car. On the side of a residential street.
But not me...I don’t live that way. I live to be with my now ex. My boo thang! But she’s off to have our vacation that we planned; with another. And I’m the one sitting alone. Broken.
So fucking pathetic!!!!