Rough day! I didn’t call or text her. This is the first time in our relationship that we’ve gone 24 hours with no communication. I’m not sure why I’m writing this like it’s a realization. This is how it’s supposed to be, so I read. “They” say (whoever they are) that I’m supposed to focus on myself. Surround myself with friends and family. Get back out there on the horse. “Nothing helps get over an old love like a new one!”. Bullshit I say! What if I don’t want a new love? Actually, I don’t. I want this one. The one that got away.
It’s funny. I find it hard to look at our pictures or even a picture of her alone. It just reminds me of the feeling of rejection. That feeling that’s fucking piercing my soul right now. I miss her smile, her laugh, her voice. Even though when we talk now, I get this tone from her that screams “WE CAN ONLY BE FREINDS!”, I’d still rather talk to her and feel the pain than not talk to her at all.
The old Gladys Knight (spelling) song just went off - Leaving On That Midnight Train to Georgia. The song goes - “I’d rather live in her world, than live without her in mine”. This screams how I’m feeling right now. I could make any sort of relationship work, though being just friends would require me to fully step away and move on to try to suppress (because I’ll never lose these feelings for her) my feelings enough to be just a friend.
I keep wondering to myself, what is not good enough about me? What can’t I give her that some other guy can? It sounds crazy, but if she could tell me that, I could, as hurtful as it would be...at least have something to accept. I know what I’ve done in this relationship to push her away. I own it and I have done everything I could to change her perception. Perception is a motherfucker. It never goes away. It’s hard to overcome and/or change, but it is possible. I just need more time. Something I may never get. I may have to deal with the reality that she wants to move on to someone else or a bigger better relationship. Not may! Will. Life certainly sucks sometimes. I do not believe that I will ver meet someone who makes me feel the way she does about life. I wish I did a better job of showing her that.